Secrets
by Louie0228
Summary: Some secrets make you stronger, some tear you apart.
1. Secrets ChapterOne:Everything will be ok

**I do not own any of the characters included in this fanfic. **

**Chapter One: Everything is going to be ok. **

Sam stretched his tired neck as his car rolled through the silent moonlit street, he looked around at the sleeping houses swamped in peaceful darkness. Despite his tiredness he allowed himself to take in the quiet isolation, he liked this time of night, when the world was sleeping and he had the opportunity to take it in, to see it at rest. As he rounded the corner towards his house he knew what to expect, he knew that the darkness would be broken by the bright light from his lounge spilling into the street, creating a glow around the property. He knew she'd be awake, waiting for him to come home and go to bed with her. He pulled onto the drive and let himself in through the front door, the TV was blaring in the corner and there were patient files spread across the coffee table. His eyes traced the paper explosion to the sofa where Addison was sat fast asleep with a file dangling from her hand. Sam placed his keys quietly on the table and removed his shoes before carefully picking his way through the files to retrieve the TV remote. After switching the TV off, he moved towards the sofa and softly took the patient file from her hand before sliding his arms underneath her body and scooping her up. Addison stirred slightly as Sam mounted the stairs.

"Shh," Sam's voice soothed "it's me. It's ok"

At the sound of his voice Addison allowed herself to return to her heavy slumber. On reaching the bedroom Sam gently lowered her onto his bed and fetched a blanket from the nearby chair and used it to cover her over. He quickly undressed and turned off the light. He felt her body gravitate towards him as he slipped beneath the blanket, he took her in his arms and wrapped his body around hers – letting her know he was there; that she was safe, that she could sleep. He stroked her warm hair as her even breathing relaxed him. His late surgery hadn't gone well, the patient had bled out on the table and he had felt helpless – annoyed even, he seemed incapable of helping anyone lately; his patients, Charlotte, Addison. She was keeping a secret – it wasn't an infidelity, he was sure of that – he trusted her but he was worried. She wouldn't go to bed without him, she was subdued, distracted- it was like she was in the room but her mind was somewhere else. He wanted to be there for her, to support her, but it was becoming more and more difficult for him to watch the person he loved slowly becoming weaker and not being able to do anything to help her or to offer any real comfort. She had just asked him to be there, to hold her, to sleep next to her, to tell her everything would be ok - and he did, he said it time and time again but he had no idea why, what she was hiding, what was eating away at her. He moved closer to her and tightened his embrace to reassure her, to tell himself everything would be ok.


	2. Chapter Two: Lost at Sea

**Chapter Two: Lost at sea.**

Sheldon emptied the remaining cereal from the box and into his already half full bowl, eating helped him to think, to get things straightened out in his mind. Lee had raped Charlotte, he knew that, he hadn't said her name, hadn't confessed but Sheldon knew, in his gut he knew. The longer he stared across the Oceanside Wellness office the more numb he felt, as if he was standing in a padded cell, as if everything around him was strategically placed, invented, unreal and he wished it would all fall away and he'd gain clarity, he'd know what to do, what to say to Charlotte. Sheldon's attention was suddenly drawn away from his cereal as the elevator doors opened and he heard the sound of heels hitting the hardwood floor. Addison, looking determined, strode across the corridor towards Charlotte's office. Sheldon watched her take a breath and smooth her dress over her thighs before steadying herself and knocking on the glass of Charlotte's office door. As she disappeared inside Sheldon's thoughts bought him back to reality – she knew, Addison knew and she was keeping a dangerous secret for Charlotte. The psychiatrist's thoughts were confirmed moments later as Addison emerged from Charlotte's office and scurried quickly, hiding her tear filled eyes, into her own office.

* * *

Having looked at the St Ambrose surgery board, Sheldon knew he would find Addison home alone as he knocked firmly on Sam's front door later that evening. As she opened the door he saw that he'd been missing what was right in front of him, she looked exhausted, her eyes looked heavy and full of worry.

"Sheldon?" Addison was surprised to see her colleague at Sam's front door "Sam's not in, he's got a surgery."

"I'm not here to see Sam, Addison," came Sheldon's gravelly voice "I'm here to see you, we need to talk…..about Charlotte."

Addison looked into Sheldon's eyes as he stood on the porch, his eyes telling her he knew, he knew what she was hiding. Without a word, she stepped aside and let him into the house.

* * *

Pete looked across at the electronic board as he sat in the arrivals lounge of the airport, Naomi's flight had landed over half an hour ago, she should emerge any minute.

As Naomi finally made her way into the arrivals lounge she spotted Pete's downtrodden figure instantly, she could see from his bowed head and his closed body language that things were bad, that her friends were in a difficult situation and although she knew she could never be their answer she wanted to help, to comfort them in some way.

"Naomi," Pete exhaled as he felt Naomi's arms tighten around him "I am so glad you're here."

Naomi didn't answer him, just tightened her embrace and bit back the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes.

* * *

"It's difficult for you Addison, you're two people in this, you're a doctor and you're a friend" Sheldon said in his 'shrink' voice, trying to coax Addison to a decision.

"And I can't be good at both," Addison said in a defeated voice "If I don't report what happened to Charlotte then I am a bad doctor and risk losing my licence, if I report what happened I am a bad friend – again."

"Again?" enquired Sheldon, despite knowing full what Addison was referring to but wanting to encourage her to talk.

"I was a bad friend to Naomi, I betrayed her, started seeing Sam behind her back and…"she hesitated before touching on a painful thought "and this time, with Charlotte, I want to do it right, I want to be a good friend."

"What would you do if it were Naomi? If it were Naomi's secret?" Sheldon probed

"Sheldon, no…I" Addison dismissed the question, more because she didn't like where Sheldon was going than the thought of anything happening to Naomi.

"If Naomi was raped and asked you to keep it a secret what would you do?" Sheldon insisted.

"Well, I don't know," Addison said with a slightly angry tone.

Sheldon let her sweat for a minute, he knew Addison got cross when faced with things she didn't want to think about and he also knew that he could make her talk about it.

"I'd tell Sam" Addison huffed after a few minutes of uneasy silence "If Naomi was raped, I'd tell Sam."

"Have you told Sam about Charlotte?" Sheldon asked quickly; he knew he was close to getting Addison to open up.

"No" Addison replied.

"Why not?" Sheldon asked

"Because it's different" Addison insisted, trying not to give Sheldon too much, she knew what he was trying to do and she didn't want to talk about it.

"Different how?" Sheldon asked, although he could tell Addison was getting restless.

"Because she's his ex-wife Sheldon, that's why," Addison hissed "What has any of this got to do with Charlotte?"

"I'm just trying to help you see this from all perspectives Addison. You would tell Sam because Naomi is his ex-wife, what about Cooper, he's Charlotte's fiancé, isn't that the same?" Sheldon knew he was getting close to the bone but he had to make Addison think about why she was keeping this secret.

"No Sheldon, it's not the same" Addison said standing up and putting distance between them "it's nothing like the same. Do you really think I want to carry this around? To watch Charlotte suffer in silence, to watch all my friends rake up past memories of their own pain? I'm doing it because it's what my patient asked me to do, because it is what Charlotte asked me to do."

"Because you want to make up for what you did to Naomi, because you want to be a good friend, because you want to prove to yourself that you've changed." Sheldon's words came quickly and he could see that he had uncovered the painful truth.

Addison stared out of the window at the rolling waves, why did Sheldon always know her better than she knew herself? That was the annoying thing about being friends with a shrink.

Sheldon slowly moved closer to Addison, giving her time to calm down and digest what he had said.

"You didn't mean to hurt Naomi, you fell in love, you tried to fight it but you fell in love and you went through with it because you know you can't live your life for someone else, you have to do what you feel is right, what, in your heart, feels right."

Addison continued to stare silently out of the window, she knew he was right and she knew that if she searched herself, if she looked in her heart, that being a good doctor and a good friend were the same thing in this situation – no matter how much it hurt.

"I have to report it" she said slowly and quietly.

"Yes" said Sheldon softly, taking a step closer to her. "but we can do it together, we both know, you're not in this alone anymore."

Addison nodded but didn't face Sheldon, she wanted to stay lost at sea for another moment longer before she threw herself, once more, into the turbulence of life.


	3. Chapter Three: Running

**Chapter Three: Running.**

Sam draped his arms around Addison's neck as he put his bag and car keys down next to the sofa. His surgery hadn't taken as long as expected and he was glad of the chance to spend some time with her; he had been doing a lot of late surgeries lately and hadn't been able to spend as much time with her as he would have liked. He leant down and started to plant small kisses on the soft flesh of her neck, moving his way towards her ear. Addison, who was looking over a patient file, moved slightly to shake him off. Unperturbed, Sam's kisses became more frequent as he moved his hands towards her chest. Addison, in an attempt to signal to him that she didn't like what he was doing, reshuffled the file in her hand and straightened her neck.

"You're working too hard" Sam smiled as he reached over to retrieve the file from her hand.

Addison, annoyed and seeing no other way out of the situation, bolted up from the sofa and threw the file onto the coffee table.

"Ok, do you want to tell me what is going on?" Sam said in a state of confusion as the seething red head glared at him from across the room.

"Nothing is 'going on' Sam, I'm busy that's all, I'm not here at your beck and call whenever you feel like it" she regretted the words as soon as they came out of her mouth but her intense anger prevented her from taking them back.

"Hang on a minute Addison, let's not pretend this has anything to do with you being 'busy' you've been shrugging me off all week, it's as if you don't want me to touch you." Sam's words were angry and his voice raised.

Addison stood motionless as Sam's anger spread across the room. There was a silence between them, both of them too angry to speak, or holding back afraid of what they might say.

"Don't you want me to touch you?" Sam asked directly.

"Why is it always about sex with you?" Addison bit back.

"I'm not just talking about sex Addison and you know it. I'm talking about you shrinking away from me every time I come near you." Sam had calmed a little and genuinely wanted to know what was bothering Addison, she had told him to be there for her and he was trying to be.

Addison, feeling that Sam was getting nearer to the truth than she was comfortable with, turned defensive.

"Because I know every time you come near me you want something, I'm not here for your convenience, to satisfy your needs…." Addison didn't get the chance to finish before Sam cut in.

"That's crap and you know it, we've hit the first hurdle and you're doing what you always do, you're running so don't blame it on me, don't make me out to be the bad guy here Addison." Sam shouted as his anger rose again.

"Right Sam because I'm, the bad guy, I'm the cheater, the liar, the bad guy" Addison yelled as she grabbed her keys from the table and stormed towards the door, slamming it behind her.

Sam placed his head in his hands, he wanted to be there for her but she wouldn't let him and he didn't how to convince her let him in. He stood for a second wondering what to do. There was only one person who knew how to deal with Addison, he would have to go and see her.

* * *

As Addison strolled along the beach she thought of all the fights she'd had with Derek and with Mark, she had been so determined the same wouldn't happen with Sam, that it would different this time, that she wouldn't push him away, break his heart and yet here she was, wandering the dark beach alone, in angry silence. The anger wasn't directed at Sam anymore, it was directed at herself, for messing up, for shutting him out and for running away.

* * *

Sam switched off his engine as he pulled up outside Naomi's house. Addison had told him what Naomi had said; that she didn't want to hear about their relationship, but this was an extreme circumstance wasn't it? Addison was keeping a secret that was eating away at her and now she had run off into the night, this was an extreme circumstance.

"Sam?" Naomi said as she opened the front door "Maya said you weren't coming by until tomorrow." Naomi registered the look of sadness and desperation on Sam's face. "Sam what is it?" she questioned, she knew when something was wrong with him, when he was worried.

"I know you said…" Sam began, searching for the correct words "Addison told me that you didn't want to know about us but…."

"Look Sam, can we do this another time? I've just got off a long flight and Olivia has been crying and….." Naomi said, not wanting to go into the subject.

"It's not about that, it's…. I need your help" Sam tried to explain "it's Addison, we had a fight and she ran off and well, there is something wrong and I don't know…I don't know how to….."

Naomi, seeing the state Sam was in and realising that he wouldn't come to her about this unless he was desperate, opened the door wider and let him in.

"We had fights all the time Sam, all couples do, you know that, she'll calm down and come home in a few hours, she's probably gone into the office" Naomi said as she placed a cup of tea on the counter in front of Sam.

"It wasn't just a fight," Sam tried to explain "and it wasn't just tonight, she's been…she's…"

"You don't have to tell me anything Sam but let me give you a word of advice," Naomi said as she sat down opposite him at the breakfast bar "Addison is stubborn and when she's in a fight she fights her corner to the death, it's part of what makes her a good doctor but when it comes to being a friend…a girlfriend" Naomi hesitated over the last word "it makes her difficult and unrelenting at times but she always comes around, when she's calmed down she comes around"

"There's more" Sam blurted out "it's not just about her being stubborn, it's, she's keeping a secret"

"Oh Sam" Naomi said in sympathy and despair.

"No, no, not that kind of secret," Sam quickly corrected her "no, we trust each other, I trust her. It's something to do with the night Charlotte was attacked, she told me she had a secret that she couldn't tell me, that she couldn't talk to me about and it's been eating away at her ever since, she isn't sleeping, she isn't eating and she doesn't want me anywhere near her. I'm trying to help her Nae, I'm trying to be there but I don't know how to, it's like she wants me but doesn't and I don't know what to do."

Naomi sighed "You have to just be there, even when it feels like she doesn't want you to be, even when she thinks she doesn't want you to be, you have to be there. Addison needs constant attention, she needs to be reassured but she won't talk, she'll run, it's what she does but in the end she will come running to you, no matter how far away she goes she will run back to you Sam"

Sam nodded his head slowly as he considered Naomi's words, she was right, Addison did run and although she had done it less lately, although she had started running to him and talking to him this was something serious and although deep down he didn't like her keeping secrets he was sure she was doing it for the right reasons.

"Thanks Nae" Sam said sincerely across the table.

"It's ok" Nae replied "I may not be comfortable with it yet but I can see that you're good for her Sam, you make her stronger in all the right ways."

As Sam smiled and Naomi took a gulp of her hot tea the front door bell rang out from the hall.

"That will be Dink," Naomi said as she left the table "he's been picking up a few extra shifts at the store lately"

As Naomi opened the door she was surprised to see a rather cold and miserable Addison standing behind it.

"Can we talk?" was all that Addison could manage; after walking the beach for an hour she was feeling rather pathetic and sorry for herself.

"The person you should be talking to is in the kitchen" Naomi replied as she motioned for Addison to step inside.


	4. Chapter Four: Homeward

**Chapter Four: Homeward. **

"I'd better check on Maya and Olivia" Naomi said as she showed Addison into the kitchen.

Addison, feeling vulnerable and upset, hovered in the doorway looking over at Sam. She was exhausted and couldn't seem to find the words to explain what had happened earlier in the evening.

Sam, on seeing her enter the room, felt his body relax as he felt a sense of relief wash over him; she was ok, she was looking a little worse for wear but she was safe. He looked over at her as she stood, timidly, in the corner, eyes fixed on the floor, arms wrapped around herself. Was she expecting him to be mad at her? Did she think he was going to shout and send her away? He moved from his chair and stood in front of her. He stared at her for a moment, she was beautiful and he knew that there was nothing worth losing her for. He stretched out his arm and, grabbing her hand, pulled her into himself, wrapping his warm arms around her. This time it was Addison's turn to feel relieved as Sam gently stroked her shoulders and she allowed herself to sink into him.

"I'm taking you home" Sam said as he grabbed his car keys from the table, whilst maintaining the contact between them.

* * *

Sheldon pulled quietly onto Violet's drive, it was late and he knew Lucas would be sleeping but he was hoping his colleague was still up because he needed to talk to another shrink, he needed objectivity and a professional opinion.

* * *

Sam lay on the bed with his head resting on his arm, which was tucked behind his head. The night's events seemed surreal, detached from his life somehow – arguing with Addison, going to Naomi's, worrying that Addison wouldn't come back, it all seemed so distant now, so irrelevant and unimportant compared to the moment he was in, compared to knowing that she was in the next room soaking away the cold worry she had embodied when she arrived at Naomi's. Tonight had shown him what he stood to lose if she left him and although he was pleased to see her, although he was pleased she was safe he was scared too, he was scared of the way he had felt as he sat in Naomi's kitchen wondering if she was going to come back, he had realised how much he loved her and how his whole world revolved around her, his own feelings had been exposed and it scared him, it scared him that there was someone in his life, other than his child, who had the ability to tear his world apart and make him feel helpless.

Addison entered the room silently, a warmed towel hugging her wet body, she saw him lying on the bed looking into the distance. She promised herself she would never hurt him again, would never run away, would never leave him. He deserved better and she could be it, she knew she could, with him she could be anything.

"Hey" Sam smiled as Addison crawled onto the bed beside him.

"Hey" Addison smiled back as she knelt beside him.

Sam, needing her closeness, tried to pull her into him. He felt her resist, as he looked into her eyes he saw that look he knew now, she needed to tell him something, she had told herself she was going to do it and he had to let her go through with it.

Addison had planned on spending her bath deciding what to do, deciding if she should tell Sam about Charlotte but when it came to it she only needed only a second to decide, of course she was going to tell him, they were in this together, if she was in this then he was in it too, they were together and she knew she could trust him, she needed to trust him because the burden she was carrying was coming between them. She wasn't betraying Charlotte, she knew that now, it wasn't about making up for the crap friend she'd been in the past, it wasn't about proving to herself she could be a good friend, it was about being a good friend and a good doctor, it was about doing what was best for her friend and for her patient.

She looked down at Sam and cursed herself for not telling him from the start.

"Charlotte was raped," it tumbled from her mouth before she could think about it "the night of the attack, Charlotte wasn't robbed, she was raped"

Sam looked at Addison, she had been carrying this around with her, Charlotte had put her in an impossible position and she'd tried to deal with this alone.

"Addison" Sam's voice was a whisper

"I'm sorry...I know I should have gone to...I" Addison scrambled to explain the rationale behind her decision.

"Shh" Sam hummed as he sat up and took Addison's hand in his "it's ok"

"Sam I, Charlotte begged me I..." Addison's voice broke as tears threatened her eyes.

"Addison, it's ok" Sam whispered as he took her in his arms. He felt her relax into him as he slowly rubbed his hands up and down her back. Things were about to change, he thought of Cooper as he tightened his grip on Addison, letting her know that he was there, no matter what he was there.


	5. Chapter Five: Being there

**Sorry this chapter has been so long coming – got bogged down with work. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed this story – they are greatly received. I am surprised by the lack of Addisam fanfic that is about – seems to be all about Charcoop at the moment. I am hoping to write a new fanfic over the holiday, so if you've got any suggestions be sure to send them my way!**

**Chapter Five: Being there. **

Sam paced back and forth outside the police station, he knew it was something that she had to do herself; that him holding her hand wasn't going to make it any easier, but he still wanted to be by her side rather than outside, waiting for what seemed like an eternity. 'She's with Sheldon' he kept telling himself,' he's a shrink, he knows how to deal with these things, he knows what to say.' He stopped pacing and looked at the ocean, he found it always helped him to put things into perspective, to see the bigger picture, but today nothing seemed to help, today the world seemed cruel and harsh and even the bigger picture seemed uninviting.

"Sam" Sheldon's voice drew his attention back to the doors of the police station.

"Sheldon," Sam replied as he approached him "where is Addison…did she…is it over?"

"It's over" Sheldon reassured him as he walked down the steps.

Although they both knew it had only just begun, that it would be a long time before Charlotte would be able to come to terms with what had happened to her, there were difficult times ahead but for now, one difficulty was over and Sam was eager to see Addison and to offer her the comfort he had been longing to give her all morning.

"Addison is on her way, she just had a few forms to fill out and she wanted me to come out here and reassure you it all went ok," Sheldon said, as he saw Sam looking beyond him and into the police station. "I'll see you back at the practice?" Sheldon asked as he walked back towards his car.

"Sure," Sam replied, although his attention was still firmly rooted on the double doors.

* * *

Sam dug his bare toes into the warm sand as he watched the waves lapping a near-by rock, he often came to this spot to think, to be alone, to gain perspective. He'd never bought anyone else here before, never let anyone else enter his calm but she was different, she was in every part of his life, of his mind and he needed to tell her that that was ok, that she could share his space, that she could tell him anything.

"Did we do the right thing?" Addison asked as she stared into the horizon

"You…_we_… did the right thing" Sam said assuredly. He knew that she would be doubting herself, that she would need his assurance.

Addison let out a sigh "I hope so."

"Addison," Sam said as he turned to face her "Charlotte was attacked….."

"Raped, Charlotte was raped" Addison corrected him, letting her words penetrate the space between them.

"Charlotte was raped," Sam started again "and she is our friend but she also a victim, a patient, you had a legal obligation to report what happened to her and although she may not know it you will be helping her and all the other women he could have raped."

Addison knew he was right and deep down she knew she had done the right thing, she had made peace with herself and stood by her decision but it was her nature to doubt and second-guess herself. Sam traced small circles around her knuckle as she moved closer to him.

"Thank you," she said quietly "thank you for being there."

"You're welcome," Sam replied with a smile "and you have to know that I will always 'be there', no matter what I'll be there. No matter what it is Addison, no matter how bad, I will be there, you don't have to keep any secrets from me."

"I….you have your own opinions Sam, your own thoughts you don't have to…" Addison started.

"At work" Sam replied definitively "at work I have my own thoughts, my own opinions, medical opinions but at home, with you, I'll be there. I love you Addison and, to me, love means being on your side no matter what, it means trusting in you and believing you and being there for you – no matter what."

Addison felt Sam's words fill her mind, she had never been in a relationship with anyone as open and honest as Sam, she knew he meant what he said and she knew that, no matter how much it scared her, she had to let him 'be there'.


End file.
